May 26, 2012

The Heart Bender: Life's Suckiest Roller Coaster

I feel like I've been on the craziest of roller coasters since the break up. One minute I feel like I'm having tons of fun with my family, just laughing and not thinking about it. Then the next minute I feel super down. I feel like I have to be super-aware of everything I or anyone else says or I might get caught off guard and burst into tears.
I went to a restaurant with my parents that was one of our favorite haunts. Every time the door opened I felt my head whipping to it to see if he was going to be the one coming through the door. Which is stupid, since he moved and there is one much closer to his house.
When we went shopping, I noticed a few guys that I thought were pretty cute. When I was checking them out, I almost felt guilty. GUILTY?! I'm a single lady, I can check out whomever I want.
My mind is starting to revert back to my old, boy crazy self...but I feel like part of me is still resisting the change back. I know I'm going to need time to really get over my ex, but I just wish I could make the time move faster. I just want to get out there and have some crazy fun with random guys, but sometimes I feel like I'm cheating just thinking about it. Its driving me crazy!!
Both of the blessings I received during the last two weeks of my relationship mentioned having patience. I really feel like I need to develop that. I realize its going to be hard to go from getting ready to spend the rest of my life with someone to getting back on the dating scene. Realizing its going to be hard doesn't make it any easier though. I will definitely need the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost to comfort me and help me know that better days will come eventually.
To try to make myself forget about it all, I've been making a new man list. This list is qualities and skills my ideal future husband would have. Of course, there are silly ones that I'd be willing to compromise on. For instance, I'll melt for pretty much anyone with red hair and blue eyes, but that doesn't necessarily mean he has to be a ginger. But there are some that I'm determined he will have, or no deal. Maybe I'll have to post the list one of these days.
Also, I've been having to remind myself constantly of all the reasons I broke up with my ex. He texted me the other day and told me he still wanted to get back together and that if I would want to he still wants to marry me. That really shook my resolve, since I'd already been having a hard day. I do miss him, but I am trying to be firm. Reminding myself of the negative side of the relationship, though a bit depressing, is helping me remain steadfast.
But besides all this drama, I've had a pretty amazing time. I feel like I've still got it, and I know once I'm ready to start dating again I can get the best kind of man. I have been talking to friends again, and I went out for my favorite food (SUSHI IS THE BEST!!!) with my grandma. I'm looking for work and getting prepared for college again in the fall.
If there's one thing this has all taught me is that my family is the best one out there! I love my parents and siblings so so so so so so much! My sister especially stood up for me, but told me that whatever I decided to do she'd support me. Everyone has been there for me when I needed a hug or an encouraging word. I love them! I am so grateful that I get to spend the rest of eternity with them as my closest friends.

--Lexi Lou


Emily@JanDee Crafts said...

What a beautiful post! You are amazing and deserve to be happy beyond all measure! Heavenly Father will bless you for being steadfast and immovable. This is something I can say for sure. I wish we had a map to see exactly where your path was going to take you but I am ready to see the grand adventure you are about to begin. Love you lots!

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